The Speed of Dark

Here’s  a great article on kids, relatives, and holidays, focussing on the issue of forcing “respect” and “affection.”    Although I think teaching kids about boundaries and their right to say “No” to unwanted touch is important for all, it’s particularly important–and difficult–to think carefully and clearly about these issues with kids who have developmental differences.

Many people expect children to be available to be touched, hugged, kissed, and cuddled at will.   Strangers will pat a child on the head or shoulder and expect the child to accept the touch without complaint–even to smile at the stranger.   Relatives definitely expect a greeting and some sign of affection, and expect to be able to show their affection by touch.    That was certainly true in my husband’s family–my mother-in-law simply refused to believe that our son did not like her tickling his toes or hugging or kissing him.

As the article I linked to suggests, it’s important to have conversations about expectations from visiting family before they arrive.  Long before and repeatedly, if possible.     The more resistant they are to the boundaries parents set–and the boundaries the child might set–the more you might consider whether the visit is really a good idea.    Yes, families are important–but they can be important bad influences as well as good ones.    If they’re intent on doing things the parents know are hard to impossible for their child to handle…then they’re no better than any other person, stranger or not, who won’t respect boundaries.

Respect is a two-way street.    Kids  learn real respect from adults who show real respect to them–they learn respect as an interpersonal skill by example.    And that includes asking before touching, accepting that a child is not a toy to be played with as an adult pleases.    What they learn from adults who grab them, muss their hair, insist on hugging or kissing when the child doesn’t want to is not respect or affection but that even in the family they aren’t safe.

Advocating for a child is just as important within the family as outside.  Early on, I didn’t do enough of it–in part because my own background had not provided me with a good understanding of boundaries and my right to set them.

Parental fear, that is.   All parents worry about their children–how they’ll get along in the world, how they’ll be treated–but parents of kids with disabilities worry even more.    Many of us experienced bullying, physical or verbal, and we don’t want that to happen to our kids.

Fear of the child being rejected–or the parent being labeled a bad parent–or both–puts parental fear in control of parental decisions….and that’s not healthy.    This brilliant post by Michelle Sagara offers clear thinking and creative approaches to the challenge of overcoming parental fear in the best interests of the child.

In fact, several other posts are equally brilliant (I found myself nodding along–some of her strategies were just like mine, and some were better.)

Here’s the first one on bullying in junior-kindergarten and another about the kinds of social difficulties kids on the autism spectrum have .

Although kids on the autism spectrum do have specific and characteristic problems that make interaction with them (when young, especially) difficult for many…the parenting problems that Michelle discusses are common to more than families with someone on the ASD spectrum.   Her analysis of early childhood social settings and social groups is applicable to many situations.

This is the start of M-‘s fourth week in his own apartment an hour away in the city.   Yesterday evening, I got email from him saying he had mail from the city, and was supposed to take something to the city offices and have a stamp, but he didn’t know where the city offices were and did not have a stamp in the apartment.   He had sent the email in the afternoon; I checked email after supper.  I phoned to ask him what the mail had been, and was prepared to guide him through whatever it was or deal with it on my Wednesday trip to to the city.   It took awhile to get clear what the mail had been about (note to self–still need more work on comprehension of questions and providing direct answers), but then came the marvel…a milestone indeed.

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All the furniture to be moved is now at M-‘s present address, ready for pickup Monday morning.

A few more boxes will be packed today.    SO glad we’re moving a twin bed and not a double!   I was able to get mattress and then box springs into the hall myself, while the guys moved the red chair from the old big van into M-‘s present address.   The bedframe had to go out through the window (very wide windows in front of this house) and no panes were broken.    It was a tricky maneuver, as the side rails of this bed do not come off with the tools we have, so the whole bed–with its headboard and footboard–had to be moved in one piece.   R- thought out how to do it and he was right.

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…also known as the last three months.   It’s been a roller-coaster, a whirligig, and a challenge in every dimension, but here we are facing the next with renewed excitement.

First there’s the college situation.   Our son did in fact have problems typical of autists in both the Transition to College and the Reading classes.   It’s worth examining these to see how his autism affected his understanding of (clear to most people) instructions.   He had been working willingly and consistently, so it wasn’t lack of motivation or laziness causing the difficulties.

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At the end of the first exam period–six full weeks of classes–our son took his first “big” exam, in the pre-algebra class.   Since he had work hours this week on several of the days exams were given,  he had to take the exam on a Saturday (not a usual class day.)     He said he felt prepared enough for it…and though students had an hour and forty minutes for it, he finished in 35 minutes with a score of 89.   If that had been the only triumph of the week, we’d all be delighted…but it wasn’t.

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So after five weeks of classes, M- is still engaged and enthusiastic.   He’s managing the bus rides alone, using his cellphone to connect with us, and doing his homework both online and on paper.   We’ll find out next week or the one after, when grades are posted, how he did in the first part of the semester.   He started back to part-time work this week, two days, and says he’s keeping up with his homework.

He’s having some problems with the verbal part of one class that requires verbal class participation (he says he can’t tell when it’s his turn to speak and when he should stop–not surprising considering his speech difficulties) and I think his reading comprehension is still lagging.  But immense gains, nonetheless.

M- will have hours at his part-time job this week, in addition to his classes (first time he’s had work hours since December.)   He was missing his job (bussing tables at a pizza place) and thinks he can handle both.  His performance in the classes has been excellent so far, so…why not try it?  As he moves to more advanced classes, he may not be able to do it all, but now he’s in the groove with these. Read the rest of this entry »

Last week, M- soloed on Thursday and a wild Thursday it was.  Today was a completely different after-class schedule–two buses, but not the same two buses, all the way out of the city to the terminus at Leander.    We dropped him off, asked him to call when he got to campus, and again when he caught the second afternoon bus…or if he had a problem. Read the rest of this entry »

I posted last week about our son’s first “solo” day at community college–during which he coped with bus rides, transfers, a broken-down bus, classes, more bus rides, etc.

What I didn’t know ahead of time was that he would have a paper-and-pen quiz in his pre-algebra class.   On which…wait for it…he made 100.    Right after the bus trip on which one bus broke down.